To My Big Boy on Your First Day of Kindergarten:

Well, we dropped you off at your first day of kindergarten this morning. You were so nervous and my heart ached when you said you didn’t want me to go. You looked like such a big boy at your desk. I made it about 10 steps out the door when the tears came. I looked at your daddy and said, “He’s not old enough for kindergarten.” He looked at me and ever so gently said, “He’s 5. He is exactly old enough for kindergarten. And, he’s going to love it.” I sit here at lunchtime thinking about that and hoping he is right. Your dad has this ability to be reasonable that I am completely lacking. I have the ridiculous mom nervousness and fears. All I can think is: What if you cry because you miss me? What if your feelings get hurt? What if you’re too afraid to ask for something you need? What if you don’t eat all your lunch and you’re hungry? What if you don’t eat it fast enough and you don’t get recess time and you cry? What if you somehow get something with milk? What if you don’t make a new friend and you feel alone? What if I didn’t prepare you properly?  

I think to just a short time ago when you were a baby and I would walk the hall with you at night when you would cry. I think of the way nobody could sit to hold you because you would scream. I think of the first time you rolled over, your first tooth, when you crawled when you were way too little, when you took your first steps. I think of your sweet baby belly laugh and how funny you still think you are. I think of that big gummy smile you would get when we would lean over your crib when you first woke up. I think how just yesterday morning when I got back from the gym you said, “Mama, I haven’t gotten to snuggle you yet today. Come here!”

 You are such a big boy, but you are still so little to me. It is still so hard to let go when I know we both need me to. I just love you so much and I want the best experiences for you. I never want you to hurt, but I know that you will grow from that hurt and you aren’t truly living if you aren’t put out of your comfort zone, learning and growing.

I think of all the what ifs I should be replacing those other ones with. What if this teacher turns out to be your all-time favorite teacher? What if this year sets the tone for wonderful years of school to come? What if today is the day you meet the best friend of your life?

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and an ache in my heart, I hope you are finishing up your lunch right now and headed off to the playground that you love so much. I hope the next few hours speed by so I can pick you up. I hope you have a crazy big smile on your face when I do pick you up. I hope you can hardly keep quiet with the excitement of everything you have to tell me. Most of all, I hope you know how much I love you and how proud I am of you!  

Love, Mama

An Open Letter To My Son's Preschool

I sit here full of emotion on the eve of my son's last day of preschool. I am in disbelief that it is over. How is he almost 5? How is he starting kindergarten in 3 months? How did 2 school years go by so quickly? It seems just a few months ago I dropped my baby off with you for the first time. He was just 3 and you were virtual strangers, yet I dropped him off and drove away. After pulling out I remember the shock of panic that hit me. What if he wasn't ready? What if he cried for me? What if he didn't make friends? What if you weren't nice to him? I said a little prayer as I drove up the hill and the wave passed. I arrived early to pick him up and waited outside. When you opened the door, he burst out with so much excitement. I got a big hug and he told me he had fun! That repeated itself week in and week out for 2 school years. 

Only one day in that time did he struggle with me leaving. I lingered 15 minutes with him crying saying he wanted to go home. You finally looked at me and said, "Just go. If you take him now, it will be a pattern. If he cries, I'll hold him. It's okay." I heard him screaming for me as I walked out and in the reflection of the door saw you pull him into your lap and wrap your arms around him while saying, "Mom loves you. You'll have fun and then she'll come back." 

You don't know what that meant to me! I picked him up and he had had a great day because you made it okay. For 2 years, when I wasn't there you encouraged him, you celebrated his victories, you pushed him through his defeats and you loved him when I wasn't there. You did it because that's how your hearts are. There have been some rough times over the past 2 years, and through it you have been a constant positive. I cannot express my gratitude and how much I will miss you every week.  

I leave you with this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you for loving my son in a way I never expected you to and thank you for never wanting his snack time to be boring ;-) His future school has big shoes to fill!