I would like to bring attention to an epidemic going on lately. It is hard living in a world of perfect people as an imperfect person. I had no idea this was such a problem, but it is, so I would like to address it and issue apologies where they are due.
Dear Older Woman in the Store,
I sincerely apologize for my 4-year-old. I am obviously a horrible mother since he was throwing a fit because I told him he could not get a toy. I know that your children would never dream of this.
Signed,
Imperfect Awful Mother
Dear Recently Graduated from High School Girl,
Please let me apologize for my child's boisterous behavior. If I was a better mother, he would never raise his voice and spin in glee in public. I really hope it was not an extremely important conversation, but from your exasperated look and eye roll, I'm sure it was. I am sure when you have children some day, they will never do anything like have fun.
Signed,
Horrible Mother
Dear Woman Too Good to Say Hi to Me:
I know that you drop your child off every day looking perfect with them quietly holding your hand and walking next to you. I really should try harder. You see, I work from home to help support my family and at 9 am when I have been up for 3 or 4 hours and already worked 2 of them with my 4-year-old pulling on me, I'm lucky I got myself dressed and showed up on time. So, when I say hi, I'm really just trying to be friendly, but it is completely understandable I might not look like someone you would want to associate with. In the future, I'll avoid you so people don't accidentally think you know me.
Signed,
Dreadful Mother with no Make-Up On
Dear Mother Horrified because I Think Parenting is not Roses and Sunshine 24/7:
I saw how you looked at me when I insinuated that maybe parenting wasn't like finding the gold at the end of the rainbow. I know that since your child is perfect, every day must be like walking into a room of candy as a 5-year-old. You see, I love my child, but he's nuts...and I'm pretty sure plotting how to take me down someday. He makes messes, he yells, he kicks at the dog, he talks back, he slams doors, he doesn't share and, on really special occasions he makes scenes. He also helps pick up, wants to hug people when they are sick, tells me he loves me at least 20 times a day, cuddles with his dogs, offers his favorite toy to his friend and comforts people when they are sad. See, I was under the understanding that honesty was a good thing, but in the future I will refrain. I am sorry if I offended your perfection. I'm sure your child is a robot that does everything perfect, just like you.
Signed,
Deranged Mother that Refuses to be Fake
Whew! There, I think I covered most of the bases. If I forgot anybody, I am SO sorry. You see, I'm not perfect and neither is my child. Sometimes, we throw fits, talk too loudly, speak out of place, forget our manners and judge others. That's right, we do all of those things.
I apologize for times I have done these things, but I will not apologize for being me. I am who you see. Face-value fairly open book. I make mistakes. I sometimes cannot hold my tears or my tongue. I sometimes judge someone as something they are not. BUT....I love! I love so deeply and so fiercely that if I love you I will do almost anything for you. I am the only person I know how to be and every night when my son says, "I love you SO much mama" no matter what kind of great or horrible day we've had, I know that that is enough. I am enough and being me is okay.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Ten Things I Never Thought I'd Have to Say Regarding a Penis
That's right, I said Penis....Let the World come crashing down! When I had a child I assumed there would be a list of things I never thought I'd have to say. I did not, however, think I would be able to compile a whole list around the penis, but well, there are a lot of things about parenting I did not anticipate! So, here it is. My top 6 on the penis list!
1) Age One: "Do not play with your penis at the table!" Of course this was just after, "Please keep your pants on at the table."
2) Age One: "Please keep your penis off the table!" This followed #1 by about half a second of course.
3) Age Two: "Do not use your penis as a stylus!" This was one of the joyous times I literally got to watch the thought form in his head. He's sitting in the floor with daddy's kindle. Naked of course. He's playing a game and looks down towards the bottom of the screen where he sees....his penis. He proceeds to grab his penis and start using it to make the fun letter blocks move around. Why on Earth would you use your finger when you've got that multipurpose device sitting right there?!
4) Age 3: "DO NOT PUT YOUR PENIS IN THERE!" This was another one of those moments I got to watch the thought form. He's standing in front of the air conditioner. Naked of course. Doesn't that nice cool air feel good in the heat of August. Oh, look it has slats in it...Oh look, the slats move. Oh look, there's my penis. OH, what if I put it in the slats....He rises up on his toes penis in hand when mommy screams at him.
5) Age 3: "Do not put anything in that hole!" This was in response to his discovery that his penis has a hole in it. It really made me wonder how he thought the pee was coming out all these years. Up walks my almost 4 year old with a very inquisitive look on his face...."Mama, my penis has a hole in it." "Yes, it does." "But why, mama?" "Well, that's where your pee comes out." "Oh, so pee comes out, but what goes in the hole?" In the span of 2 seconds, I pictured about 15 horrible ways that would end, and horrified shouted, "Do not put anything in that hole! Do you understand me! That is for out only!" "That would be such a big owie." Eyes wide, my 3 year-old gasps, "Mama, I will never put anything in there, I promise!" Great, now I've terrified him for the 47th time...this month.
6) Age 4: "Girls can pee without a penis." This is one of those conversations that I was way too deep into by the time I realized I should have gone with redirection when it started instead of having it....at all! It started innocently enough. I had an out. Why didn't I take it! "Mama, girls can only go poop, not pee because they don't have a penis." I naively reply, "Girls can pee without a penis." "Mama, girls pee out their butts?" I laugh, "No honey, they don't." I watch the gears turn...."But, then what do they pee out of?" I realize I have made a mistake. I don't know what to do. I know now that I'm in deep. He's FOUR! What do I say? We've always been honest. We've called a penis a penis and a butt a butt his whole life. We were on top of this thing....Until now. Did I mention I'm sitting on the toilet peeing for this? And daddy isn't home? He stares...."Mama? What do girls pee out of?" "Uhhhhhhhh" is all I can say. I'm scrambling in my brain. "MAMA?!" "Uhhhh" stutter stammer...."Girl parts honey." Girl parts! Really, girl parts? That's all you had? The dog barks. Thank you God I'm free. The next day, however, we are driving down the road listening to the radio when I hear from the backseat, "Girls don't have penises, mama, but they can still pee." "MmmHmmm" I mutter. Crap, he's back on it. "They pee out their girl parts." "Yes, son they do." He continues, "mama, what are girl parts?" My stuttering and stammering starts all over when I spot the coffee stand. "Ooh, look!" I say as I point to the coffee stand. "OOOOhhhh, can we get a drink mama, please?" Oh hell yes I think. Thank you sweet, glorious, overpriced coffee stand. "What would you like sweetie, raspberry or strawberry?"
;-)
1) Age One: "Do not play with your penis at the table!" Of course this was just after, "Please keep your pants on at the table."
2) Age One: "Please keep your penis off the table!" This followed #1 by about half a second of course.
3) Age Two: "Do not use your penis as a stylus!" This was one of the joyous times I literally got to watch the thought form in his head. He's sitting in the floor with daddy's kindle. Naked of course. He's playing a game and looks down towards the bottom of the screen where he sees....his penis. He proceeds to grab his penis and start using it to make the fun letter blocks move around. Why on Earth would you use your finger when you've got that multipurpose device sitting right there?!
4) Age 3: "DO NOT PUT YOUR PENIS IN THERE!" This was another one of those moments I got to watch the thought form. He's standing in front of the air conditioner. Naked of course. Doesn't that nice cool air feel good in the heat of August. Oh, look it has slats in it...Oh look, the slats move. Oh look, there's my penis. OH, what if I put it in the slats....He rises up on his toes penis in hand when mommy screams at him.
5) Age 3: "Do not put anything in that hole!" This was in response to his discovery that his penis has a hole in it. It really made me wonder how he thought the pee was coming out all these years. Up walks my almost 4 year old with a very inquisitive look on his face...."Mama, my penis has a hole in it." "Yes, it does." "But why, mama?" "Well, that's where your pee comes out." "Oh, so pee comes out, but what goes in the hole?" In the span of 2 seconds, I pictured about 15 horrible ways that would end, and horrified shouted, "Do not put anything in that hole! Do you understand me! That is for out only!" "That would be such a big owie." Eyes wide, my 3 year-old gasps, "Mama, I will never put anything in there, I promise!" Great, now I've terrified him for the 47th time...this month.
6) Age 4: "Girls can pee without a penis." This is one of those conversations that I was way too deep into by the time I realized I should have gone with redirection when it started instead of having it....at all! It started innocently enough. I had an out. Why didn't I take it! "Mama, girls can only go poop, not pee because they don't have a penis." I naively reply, "Girls can pee without a penis." "Mama, girls pee out their butts?" I laugh, "No honey, they don't." I watch the gears turn...."But, then what do they pee out of?" I realize I have made a mistake. I don't know what to do. I know now that I'm in deep. He's FOUR! What do I say? We've always been honest. We've called a penis a penis and a butt a butt his whole life. We were on top of this thing....Until now. Did I mention I'm sitting on the toilet peeing for this? And daddy isn't home? He stares...."Mama? What do girls pee out of?" "Uhhhhhhhh" is all I can say. I'm scrambling in my brain. "MAMA?!" "Uhhhh" stutter stammer...."Girl parts honey." Girl parts! Really, girl parts? That's all you had? The dog barks. Thank you God I'm free. The next day, however, we are driving down the road listening to the radio when I hear from the backseat, "Girls don't have penises, mama, but they can still pee." "MmmHmmm" I mutter. Crap, he's back on it. "They pee out their girl parts." "Yes, son they do." He continues, "mama, what are girl parts?" My stuttering and stammering starts all over when I spot the coffee stand. "Ooh, look!" I say as I point to the coffee stand. "OOOOhhhh, can we get a drink mama, please?" Oh hell yes I think. Thank you sweet, glorious, overpriced coffee stand. "What would you like sweetie, raspberry or strawberry?"
;-)
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