In The Beginning....

Once upon a time, I was someone else. Still me, but a very, very different version. I was an office manager of a medical office. I ran an ENTIRE office! Yeah, who's silly idea was that ;-). I was very proud of my job. I felt important, but I didn't realize it until I was elbow deep in poop at 2 in the morning with bleeding nipples, spit up on my shirt, and a tiny person that would not stop screaming while I had tears running down my face. And this was AFTER I got everything I ever wanted! Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to the day I got everything I ever wanted. It was early on a summer morning my husband and I got in the car to go to the hospital. This was the day I had waited for my entire life. I was a wife and I was going to be a mom. I was excited and scared, but away we went. It was kind of a quiet drive. I think we were both nervous. I remember him saying, "Are you ready?" I honestly don't even remember my answer. We got checked in and I was given a hideous gown to place over my now elephant self. The drip started and we were on our way. I had decided I would take it as long as I could before asking for an epidural. It didn't last long before I said, "Yeah, I would like the epidural please!" Oh well, I've got nothing to prove. I was terrified as my labor started. They were checking my blood pressure and telling me it was high. I thought of course it's high. There is a person inside me that I am expected to make come out today. Who the hell are we kidding, I'm terrified! A nice young man came in shortly after that to draw some blood. I curiously asked what he was checking for. BIG MISTAKE! In perhaps what was a terrible lapse in training, this young man proceeded to say, "Your blood pressure is so high we need to make sure your organs aren't shutting down." Are you F****** kidding me! For the next period of time, every person that walked into my room was attacked by me with, "Is my blood work okay?!" I was later assured it was. Oh good, I'm so glad I just raised my blood pressure by worrying my organs were shutting down from my high blood pressure from the tiny HUMAN BEING I am trying to get out! And then the pushing started...After an hour, the nurse brought in reinforcements. A new nurse came in who was apparently the best at coaching. What, did they think I wasn't pushing??? Then came a fun bar with a rope to pull on. Really?! At this point it was decided that my epidural should be turned down so I could feel my contractions better to push. What, did they think I wasn't pushing??? So, down went the epidural. Oh, I'm feeling plenty now. My legs are at my ears and I'm pulling on a rope while screaming and crying trying to make this tiny person exit my body. In between the agony, I utter, "If this is the epidural down, I'd hate to feel what it is like with it off." This will soon get funny! Stay with me. We are now about 2 hours into pushing. Fun stuff! Little did I know, while I'm crying and in the worst agony of my life, my best friend is curled in a chair in the corner silently crying because she can't stand seeing me in so much pain and can't help me either. If I had known, I probably would have apologized to her. This is about the time my doctor comes back in and asks if they can turn the epidural up some so I'm not in so much pain. He walks around to the front of the machine and says, "Oh, this is turned off." Are you F****** kidding me?!?! Well, that would explain the pain. My earlier comment should now be hilarious, but nothing was funny anymore. Somebody called the anesthesiologist. We all know she's not coming back anytime soon. Yay for me! The pushing continues. To all the Labor and Delivery nurses out there, when you say one more big one, please mean it!!!!! I was told one more big one for an hour and a half. Awesome! It was about the 2 1/2 hour point this pretty, young, skinny person walks in. She looks about 5 minutes older than me. She promply says hi, tells me her name and asks me if my doctor told me he was leaving. Um, NO! Oh, well he was here all night last night with someone and all day with you, so I told him I'd be happy to deliver your baby for him. Oh perfect! By the way have you met my vagina. Oh good, I thought everyone had. I'm now about 15 pounds heavier than when I walked in from all the fluid pumped into me, I still have no epidural and why are people walking in the room with my legs spread wide in the air and no draping. Oh, that's right, because I'm still trying to push this child out! Good thing my doctor abandoned me! After hour 3, my new doctor, who actually turned out to be very nice and sweet, informed me I was going to have to have a C-section because even though the baby is not distressed, he's not coming out through his intended exit point. And the more hysterical crying starts. Now I just feel like a complete failure. My first big job is getting him out and I can't even do that. I was assured I could push another 3 hours and he wasn't coming out and that it was not my fault. Didn't help! Still a failure! So, I am wheeled away without my husband into a scary operating room. The last time I was in one of these I didn't go under with the anesthesia even though the machines said I was gone to the world and I ended up punching an anesthesiologist. Oh goody! What fun awaits me this time. I shouldn't have asked! My epidural is now firmly back working, so I was hoping that was a good sign. Then, they strapped my arms down. I hear, "Your blood pressure is getting higher, just calm down, it's okay." No, you calm down crazy people! Finally, my husband is allowed in and the cutting gets serious. OW! OW! Are you okay? I proceed to start repeating sharp pain, sharp pain! I've been in the field long enough to know sharp pain is bad, pressure is okay and if I didn't say sharp pain they may keep going. I was now feeling my C-section. Good times! The anesthesiologist rushes over and stabs in what I later discovered was a $500 injection of something. At this point, everything closes in black except one bright light in the center of my vision and I can no longer move. Oh good, now I'm dying. Are you F****** kidding me! I hear crying and somebody holds something up to me. I mutter, baby? baby? It is just before 10pm. The next thing I know, I wake up around 2am in my very dark hospital room and I cannot move from the waist down. I don't see anyone. No husband, no baby crib, nothing.....I start saying my husband's name and nothing is happening. So, I push the nurses button. A nice woman walks in and I ask if I can see my baby. Of course, she says with a giggle. I wasn't accusing them of keeping him from me. I frankly wasn't sure where he was. My husband stirs and gets up from the cot in the corner. In walks the nurse and the sweetest face I've ever seen was placed in my arms. I was in love with this tiny little person. My first words were, "Oh, he's so scrunchy! Have we named him yet?" My husband laughed and said no he was waiting for me. The nurse then says, "Would you like to nurse him?" I'll save that for next time. That deserves a blog in itself!