That's right, I said Penis....Let the World come crashing down! When I had a child I assumed there would be a list of things I never thought I'd have to say. I did not, however, think I would be able to compile a whole list around the penis, but well, there are a lot of things about parenting I did not anticipate! So, here it is. My top 6 on the penis list!
1) Age One: "Do not play with your penis at the table!" Of course this was just after, "Please keep your pants on at the table."
2) Age One: "Please keep your penis off the table!" This followed #1 by about half a second of course.
3) Age Two: "Do not use your penis as a stylus!" This was one of the joyous times I literally got to watch the thought form in his head. He's sitting in the floor with daddy's kindle. Naked of course. He's playing a game and looks down towards the bottom of the screen where he sees....his penis. He proceeds to grab his penis and start using it to make the fun letter blocks move around. Why on Earth would you use your finger when you've got that multipurpose device sitting right there?!
4) Age 3: "DO NOT PUT YOUR PENIS IN THERE!" This was another one of those moments I got to watch the thought form. He's standing in front of the air conditioner. Naked of course. Doesn't that nice cool air feel good in the heat of August. Oh, look it has slats in it...Oh look, the slats move. Oh look, there's my penis. OH, what if I put it in the slats....He rises up on his toes penis in hand when mommy screams at him.
5) Age 3: "Do not put anything in that hole!" This was in response to his discovery that his penis has a hole in it. It really made me wonder how he thought the pee was coming out all these years. Up walks my almost 4 year old with a very inquisitive look on his face...."Mama, my penis has a hole in it." "Yes, it does." "But why, mama?" "Well, that's where your pee comes out." "Oh, so pee comes out, but what goes in the hole?" In the span of 2 seconds, I pictured about 15 horrible ways that would end, and horrified shouted, "Do not put anything in that hole! Do you understand me! That is for out only!" "That would be such a big owie." Eyes wide, my 3 year-old gasps, "Mama, I will never put anything in there, I promise!" Great, now I've terrified him for the 47th time...this month.
6) Age 4: "Girls can pee without a penis." This is one of those conversations that I was way too deep into by the time I realized I should have gone with redirection when it started instead of having it....at all! It started innocently enough. I had an out. Why didn't I take it! "Mama, girls can only go poop, not pee because they don't have a penis." I naively reply, "Girls can pee without a penis." "Mama, girls pee out their butts?" I laugh, "No honey, they don't." I watch the gears turn...."But, then what do they pee out of?" I realize I have made a mistake. I don't know what to do. I know now that I'm in deep. He's FOUR! What do I say? We've always been honest. We've called a penis a penis and a butt a butt his whole life. We were on top of this thing....Until now. Did I mention I'm sitting on the toilet peeing for this? And daddy isn't home? He stares...."Mama? What do girls pee out of?" "Uhhhhhhhh" is all I can say. I'm scrambling in my brain. "MAMA?!" "Uhhhh" stutter stammer...."Girl parts honey." Girl parts! Really, girl parts? That's all you had? The dog barks. Thank you God I'm free. The next day, however, we are driving down the road listening to the radio when I hear from the backseat, "Girls don't have penises, mama, but they can still pee." "MmmHmmm" I mutter. Crap, he's back on it. "They pee out their girl parts." "Yes, son they do." He continues, "mama, what are girl parts?" My stuttering and stammering starts all over when I spot the coffee stand. "Ooh, look!" I say as I point to the coffee stand. "OOOOhhhh, can we get a drink mama, please?" Oh hell yes I think. Thank you sweet, glorious, overpriced coffee stand. "What would you like sweetie, raspberry or strawberry?"
;-)
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